him

 

Photograph of my son and his essence taken by his friend Emilio Montero - 15 years old

A confession: my son´s adolescence has caught me off guard. I will not deny this. It has led me to cry, fret, endure sleepless nights, wonder where I went wrong and if I am loosing him. There have been moments where I, who have always thought of ways to nurture and guide, realize I have no answers. In my darkest hour I found myself paralyzed with fear and I still, to this day, find it difficult to describe how at that point in life,  my son´s voyage took me to the deepest, darkest corners of my own subconscious, and had me staring my worst nightmares straight in the face - those that were caged inside me, rotting after countless years of neglect. After having sunk to the bottom of my own broken mind I see this may very well turn out to be a gift like no other. The wrapping? A bit deceiving, seemingly cruel, but the essence obligates me to look deep inside, grow, think outside the box, tear apart all my preconceptions, be brave, forgive myself and prepare to do so more often, for I am only human, sometimes blessed, sometimes cursed with incalculable motherly love, rough edges, and flaws. I am humbled daily, for I am constantly challenged by moments where I feel I can take no more. I have to remind myself, this will not last forever and, more importantly, my son´s heart remains the same. He is a beautiful child trudging through the mud, fighting to become a beautiful man. And I, who am constantly faced with the terribly difficult task of learning when to step back and when to intercede, must not loose faith in him, myself or life.

Now, in the midst of searching for balance as I raise an "out of the box" boy in a black in white world,  swimming against the current and daring to reinvent myself to understand him and do his essence justice,  I find these words ring so true:

 

"I think the word ordinary has a bad rap. We encourage our children to strive to lead extraordinary lives, in the belief that such striving is not only admirable but necessary if they are to realize their goals and grow into fulfilled. successful adults. Many of us live in fear that our children may not live up to their potential, may fall behind their peers, may fail to embody our - or the culture´s - notions of success... I can´t help but wonder. What is the cost of all this striving? And what gets lost in our relentless push to achieve, have, and do more?"

"It´s easy, given the times we live in and the implicit messages we absorb each day, to equate a good life with having a lot and doing a lot. So it´s also easy to fall into believing that our children, if they are to succeed in life, need to be terrific at everything, and it´s up to us to make sure that they are... But in our well-intentioned efforts to do the right thing for our teenage children, we may be failing to provide them with something that is truly essential - the time and space they need to wake up to themselves, to grow acquainted with their own innate gifts, to dream their dreams and discover their true natures."

 

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

Katrina Kenison

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